Daily Musings Part 1—Our Sacred Relationship

I don't know quite when it happened. I know, Yah. I mean, I knew Him all throughout my life. From sitting at my daddy's feet as he read Bible stories to me, going to church all the time and tarrying for the "Holy Ghost" because the guest evangelist said that's how you get it, to praying and trying to enter into the "traditional church" scene and follow in my dad's footsteps to preach the gospel, I knew him. I also knew him as I continued backsliding, getting lost in a lifestyle of fornication, self-gratification, and pleasure. I knew Him. So I thought.

But no. I knew of Yah; I identified Him in the identity of others. Yes, I branched off and began to seek Him for myself, but I was so full of self-doubt, uncertainty, and the constant need for validation from men that what "others" said and expected of me outweighed the simplicity of the gospel.

It took ongoing torrential betrayals, constant rejections, abuse, and almost losing my mind and my life to finally reach the point where it was just me and Him. Literally. No fake friends, acquaintances barely spoken to, and family whom I had to separate from in order to find the little peace I acquired. But I discovered that I truly didn't know Him until I began to accept the truth of who He was. And I was finally ready to give up everything I learned to start all over again. I was tired. Tired of trying to live life on my own terms and looking for complete peace, love, belonging, and solace in the arms of treacherous and perverted men. I knew that I needed a do-over. But I needed to know if Yah could really do anything with me as broken, wounded, and messed up as I was.

I remember going to a deliverance session, and before it ended, I received a prophetic word that Yah would give me a heart of flesh to replace the stony one I housed. And that we would walk together in an intimacy I never knew. At first, I was offended and upset. Not at the person, but at Yah. I remember thinking in my mind, "Heart of stone, heart of stone?!" I know you. I pray and read my Bible. What in the world is this? I pouted for a few hours and shed a couple of tears. Till finally, I decided to drag myself into the prayer closet and have a very honest talk with Him. I shut the door and sat down in the dark and gathered my thoughts. There was nothing elaborate for me to say. I just decided to do what I knew he respects, saying it plain. I told Yah that I really didn't like what was said about my heart of stone. But I will surrender, and I won't fight. So if my life, what we've got going on, can change for the better, then here I am.

Over the next few weeks, I was still feeling offended, but it decreased. Next thing I know, I began to talk to Yah about more intimate things, from my attitudes to how I respond to hurt and the things that really hurt me. I found myself going deeper and deeper into confessing unforgiveness, bitterness, and resentments and acknowledging the things that I attempted to carry, but it was wearing me out. My prayer life got seriously real and raw along with the praise and worship. Some of the same scriptures that I've read over and over for years began to reveal deeper revelation and meaning to me. I began to see so many things in a different light, and I noticed that I went from being too tired to read or pray to not being able to rest without fellowshipping with Yah.

I messed around and fell in love with Him. I daily needed to know what He was doing, besides watching and overseeing everything going on in the whole entire universe. Duh!! But we had conversations, and He showed me how much He cared about all of me and even the things that are viewed as little, such as if I saw a beautiful butterfly and it was unique and brought me some joy, He was interested in hearing about it. He truly paid attention to me, all of me. My quirks, likes, and dislikes. Things that I love in nature would appear as I sat outside in His presence. I knew that was Him loving on me... bringing me a gift.

In the words of these modern-day kids, Yahweh and I go together real bad. Lol... I found myself not wanting to be without him and truly thinking of what He would think if I did this, or said this, or went here. It got to the point where the ex-narcissist son of Belial's constant absence and rejection didn't hurt anymore. I was experiencing true, faithful, genuine love for the first time in my life. Yah always loved me, but I found myself genuinely loving Him back.

He didn't play the radio about me. I still struggled with the cognitive dissonance of praying and staying in the abusive situationship I was in. But finally, the supernatural break came, and Belial was officially removed, and I didn't run behind him. I chose Yah. There was nothing and no one else this time. No other man to get under, no other self-soothing rituals to partake of. Finally, it was just me and Him. And we've been rocking ever since...

Through my journey of healing, recovery, and wholeness, I have obtained a final truth on what love is. Yah has shown and showered so much of Himself upon me; I know that abuse, manipulation, control, and sexual trysts cannot compete with the magnitude of the love, joy, and peace I have. I'm safe. My heart is safe. I'm finally home.

BBHM