When You Move Faster Than Yah: A Cautionary Tale About Love, Deception, and Divine Order
It was 2003. I was done. Done with jumping from one relationship to the next, done with instability, and done with men who weren’t ready to step up. I had two children and a vision: a real family, a stable home, a husband. I grew up with both a mother and father in the house, and I wanted my children to have that same foundation. What I didn’t want was the man I had been with - a man who loved strip clubs and rap dreams more than responsibility. He refused to settle down, and my heart was broken.
And then there was my mother. During that same season, her controlling and manipulative tendencies were at an all-time high. Boundaries were nonexistent. I was living in her home, working full-time, and it still was never enough. I ended up applying for state daycare assistance just to keep the peace. Tax refund season meant handing over a large portion of my money just to silence the tension. I bought gifts. I took her out. I gave and gave until I had accumulated real debt on top of my financial illiteracy. But that’s a story for another day.
The Man at the Grocery Store
There was a man who would follow me all around the grocery store, relentlessly trying to get my number. He got on my last nerve. But I was tired and ready — ready for a husband, ready for something real. One day, after checking out my groceries, he insisted on loading them in the car. He asked for my number one more time. I gave it to him.
He called that very night.
What followed moved fast. He gave me gifts. We traveled. He was open about my children and said he was ready to step up as a father figure. He told me he wanted me in his life forever. The excitement of it all — the sneaking around, the romance, the feeling of finally being chosen — blinded me to everything else. Two weeks in, he was on one knee. I threw caution to the wind and said yes.
We eloped. His family found out and reacted intensely -his brother drove four hours to the family home in under two. They tried to convince him he hadn’t been in his right mind when he married me. At the time, I couldn’t fully understand why the reaction was so strong.
I would partly find out why — in two parts, years apart.
The First Revelation
After the honeymoon excitement faded, we struggled to connect. I’m expressive and plain-spoken. But no matter how clearly I communicated, something wasn’t landing. I couldn’t understand it. He was a “church boy” - that’s part of why I had felt safe building a life with him. But the communication gap was real, and it frustrated me deeply.
Months into the marriage, I got pregnant. Three months in, during an argument, I hollered in frustration, “What is wrong with you?” He went quiet - and then he started crying.
Through tears, he told me that something was wrong with him. He didn’t fully understand why his mother had placed him in LD classes or why he sometimes had a hard time processing things. He said he had kept it from me because he knew I wouldn’t have married him if I’d known.
I was shocked. Then I was angry. I told him plainly: he had taken away my right to choose. Whether I would have stayed or gone didn’t matter — that decision was mine to make, and he stole it from me. And now I was pregnant. Will my child be affected?
I went back to my parents’ home briefly, but my mother and father both told me I needed to go back to my husband’s house. So I did. And I chose to make it work.
My Son, and the Second Revelation
Months later, I gave birth to my beautiful baby boy. He is precious, and I am beyond grateful to be his mother. Years later, we discovered that he is on the autism spectrum -Asperger’s, high-functioning. He has his challenges, but he is brilliant, carries deep conversations, and gives some of the most thoughtful advice I’ve ever heard. He is nothing like his father in the ways that hurt -and it was through his diagnosis that the second revelation came.
His father’s family had known. That’s why they reacted the way they did at the marriage. They knew what he was dealing with, and no one ever told him — not in a meaningful, equipping way. No one sat him down and helped him understand himself. Instead, the family tiptoed around it, sought a government check, and sent him out into the world underprepared.
I truly believe there are many undiagnosed autistic adults among us today - people who struggle in relationships, in jobs, in life - and they don’t understand why. And neither do the people who love them.
What Broke Us
My temper softened over those years. I returned to HaMashiach - to Christ. It seemed like he was walking that path with me too, for a time. But we eventually divorced. The reasons were many: overbearing interference from both families, anger that had been boiling inside of him for years that eventually became physical abuse, gross unfaithfulness, addiction, and my own deep resentment from feeling like I had been fighting the world alone from the beginning.
Why I’m Sharing This
I’m not sharing this to shame anyone. I’m sharing it as a cautionary tale - about what happens when we rush, when we let emotions lead, and when we choose not to use discernment before binding ourselves to another person.
His disability was never the core issue. The issue was deception. The issue was that I was not given the chance to make an informed decision. And the issue was that I was being led entirely by emotions and a deep longing for stability — without ever stopping to genuinely seek Yahweh’s direction.
Sex is not the glue that holds a marriage together. Yahweh is the foundation of every marriage He has ordained. And when we try to build on anything else, cracks form - no matter how good the love felt in the beginning.
“Know that the Adon, He is Elohim; It is He who has made us, and not we ourselves; We are His people and the sheep of His pasture.”
— Psalm 100:3
Before making any major decision - slow down. Quiet your emotions. Refuse to let feelings sit on the throne of your life. Allow Yahweh, the one true Yah, to lead you. He knows us better than we know ourselves. He sees what we cannot see. His insight, His eyes, His judgment - they will never fail us. We can trust His path completely.
Let’s agree with Yah. Let’s partner with Him. Let’s stop trying to engineer our own outcomes and instead walk in the divine order He has already set for our lives.
“Trust in the Adon with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding.”
— Proverbs 3:5
BBHM
